The Marriage Laws

I have only been married for a couple of years now, but I have come to learn that there are several undisputable/incorruptible rules. I will list them here:

1. When an agreement is made between the husband and wife, only the wife is allowed to break said rule in light of the fact that they are always right.
2. The wife is allowed and encouraged to by her friends to pass out contact information for the husband on any whim that they receive. This whim may include the need of a friend or family member that needs someone to fix cars, computers and/or the laws of physics. The fact that the husband is qualified or willing to do such a task is immaterial.
3. When a wife makes a mistake, a simple “oops” will suffice as an apology. The husband, on the other hand, is required by law to buy flowers, chocolate and wine (if he did a really bad thing like leave the cap off the toothpaste) to seek forgiveness, but that is only after he has apologized for three straight days and groveled on the floor and possibly a couple of nights of sleeping on the couch.
4. The old axiom of whoever controls the finances, controls the household is only true when the wife is in control of the household finances.
5. When eating a dinner prepared by the wife, the husband is only allowed to admit that it might have been a mistake to cook after the wife first admits to it. If the husband is the first to admit it, see rule 3. If a husband fails to cook a good meal, it is immediately tossed out and never allowed to be made again.
6. A husband is never allowed to say the wife looks fine. In his eyes, no matter how bad she dressed, the wife is the most beautiful woman on the earth and that is how it should be stated to the wife. If it is stated otherwise, see rule 3. The converse of this is that the wife can repeatedly tell the husband that they look fat, ugly and sloppy when dressed in certain ways. The husband’s only course of action is to change.
7. When both parties in a marriage have to use the restroom at the same time, it’s always ladies first. When a house is burning to the ground, it is always ladies first. When its time for TV, its ladies first. You get the idea that it is always ladies first, except for one instance: when someone dies, then usually it’s the husband that goes first...and we like it that way!