Happy Holidays...I Mean

I got an funny e-mail from a co-worker and wanted to tweet it, but it is WAY to long for Twitter, so I am posting it here. This was a Forward from him, so I don't know who it originally came from. Enjoy, I know I did.

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COMPANY MEMO:

FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the
private function room at the Grill House. There will be a bar and
plenty of food and drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A 10 foot Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


__________________________________________________________________


Company Memo



FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on,
we're calling it our " Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree, no Santa Claus
and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.


Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty


__________________________________________________________________


Company Memo:


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director

TO: All
Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: HOLIDAY PARTY


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign
on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
About the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: GIFT EXCHANGE WILL NOT BE ALLOWED..

Happy Whatever,
Patty


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Company Memo:


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009


RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours.. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. There will be no cash
bar, no alcohol, no pork dishes. That should take care of the Jewish, Muslim, and the AA groups. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving Muslims your meals until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in cute little foil doggy baggies. Will that work for you? Works for me.

In anticipation of more bitching and whining, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women and bulimics will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the one person asking permission to cross-dress, the Grill House
asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of
concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for "little people". Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Heaven forbid I missed something?!?!? Did I?

Patty


_____________________________________________________________________



Company Memo:



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009



RE: This F*%^ing Holiday Thing

In order to compose this memo (and myself) with a bit of dignity, I'm having my fourth Scotch. First of all I've had it with you vegetarian pricks who keep calling me!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit your asses quietly at the table furthest from the "Fried Fat Foodery", "Ptomaine Tavern", "Slop Shop", or "Grill of Death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes and tofurkey sandwiches. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. The little bastards scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! Oh, was that was me? The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday, gathering, meeting, or whatever the hell and if you don't want the pork you can eat the ass-hole out of a reindeer for all I care and I hope Rudolph craps in your non-alcoholic punch bowl! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

____________________________________________________________


Company Memo :



FROM:
Joan Bishop,
Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Company Gathering


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Company
Gathering and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off so each can do his or her own thing in his or her own way.


Happy Holidays!
Joan